Why Roman should just buy Liverpool

By: Jack | May 18th, 2008

We’ve all seen the atrocious rumors. “Chelsea plan audacious bid for Fernando Torres.” “Chelsea fail with £40million Torres bid”

This stuff is ridiculous, and I love it. But, in seriousness, even if it was half-true it’s a bad move for our Blues. You ask why?

Why would attempting to steal one of the world’s most potent strikers be a poor move? Why would bringing in 30-plus goals suck?

Let me tell you. Personally, I think Roman should just buy Liverpool. Yeah, that’s it — that’s it right there.

Why not? Let’s look at the rationale.

Why buy?
Liverpool is Chelsea’s most heated rival at the moment. The two clubs have shared an epic match or 10 over the past 2-3 years. The Reds also are a genuine threat each season ~~in the champions league~~. But the most underlying reason to purchase? The fact Liverpool is so damn annoying. Caught up with past glories and containing an absolutely ridiculous elitist complex, both the fans and the club must — I repeat, must — disappear. What better way for that to happen than for my main man Roman to go ahead and slide some pounds under the table?

C.R.E.A.M.
Money is never an issue when it comes to Roman noodles. This man is sitting on close 20 billion franks, clams or bones if you prefer. If he really would like himself a Torres, why not grab a Babel and a host of overachievers at the same time. It’s not really going to dent the pocket is it?

Possibility
Now we know Liverpool fans would stab me for even speaking this blasphemy (if only they knew what I looked like). But Tom Hicks and Co. might not be so vile if Roman pulled up with a few armored trucks full of cash. Hicks and Gillett have no loyalty to the club, nor do they understand the passion and “history” associated with it. They’re businessmen. A businessman’s primary objective? Turning a profit. I doubt they would receive a better offer from anyone else now would they?

Potential
Can you imagine the possibilities a purchase of this magnitude could present? A vague outline of chocolaty goodness follows…
1. Strip club of traditional red colorway. Replace with blue and pink.
2. Sack Rafa, reinstall Graeme Souness as manager
3. Level Anfield
4. Halt production on Stanley Park stadium
5. Began construction of 1,200-seat arena, tentatively named Los Scouse
6. Complete transfer of specific players, including Torres and Babel, to Chelsea.
7. Send Gerrard to J-League power Tokyo Verdy 1969
8. Blackmail Carragher
9. Secure transfer of former players Djimi Traore, Milan Baros, Abel Xavier, Jerzy Dudek and El Hadji Diouf back to Liverpool
10. Step 9 should ensure relegation to at least League 1
11. Proceed to establish Liverpool as a Chelsea feeder club
12. Reap benefits